Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Inappropriate Logos

A new method to clean teeth?

I guess it's a popular method.

Special sauce?

Who approved this?

Instituto de Estudos Orientais
(Translation: Sit and Spin School)

Maybe it's just me but I see boobies!


I have no clue.

Megaflicks - Not the best font for this word huh?

I think a space could help a bit here.

Thanks to Average Jane and her sister for this great addition. haha!

Smiley me, it's nice to do.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Attack of the Noodles!

It was around 3am last night that I awoke from a very deep sleep to the screaming of my little monkey. “MOM, MOM, MOM!” So I leap out of bed and manage my way through the blackness of the hallway into his room. I find little monkey on his bed screaming and I pick him up at once… poor little guy had a bad dream. He insisted on coming in to sleep with me because he was so scared. I normally do not allow this but I could tell he was really rattled and the other option was to lay with him and that always leaves me hurting in the morning.

So I carry the little one into my room and lay him next to me… I lean over and say “what was your bad dream about?” he replies ”noodles." Noodles? Haha, what? I lay there for about 20 minutes trying to image what he could have possibly been dreaming about. Here is what I came up with.

Maybe he was dreaming that a pile of Penne was engulfing him!

Or perhaps a glowing gobbling fettuccini monster came to get revenge!

I never realized how scary noodles could be! I couldn’t sleep after this. My mind started wandering, what does it mean to dream of noodles? I looked it up in my dream book and here is what it said "To see noodles in your dream, signifies an abnormal appetite and desire. This is not a great dream." So, does little monkey have an abnormal desire for something? Is he just really hungry? I’m not sure but I do know that having him in my bed reminded me why I don’t allow him in here anymore, for such a small monkey he sure can kick! He goes right for the ribs and he goes all night! I was wishing I had one of those k9 attack suits to protect me. I think all parents with children between the ages of 2-5 should invest in one of these suits. You might also want one if you have a rabid dog.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Always Look Throgh The Peephole!

Once upon a time two scary lesbian bikers attacked me... This is a true story. They busted into my home after my sister’s idiot friend opened the door a crack to see who was there. Isn’t that what the peephole is for? Let’s just stop right here in the story and clear something up… There are people you open a door for and people you don’t. This is not a tough decision when faced with it. Here is a short list to help in decision making when looking through the peephole.


No, No, No!



Ok, I hope we cleared some things up. So where were we? Yes, the two leather vested women were busting into my house. They were after idiot girl who was hiding out from her boyfriend. She has bad taste in men. So she decides to run into my room and jump on me! What a great idea, run to the 17-year-old for protection. Now when I say she jumped on me I mean it… she ran in and leaped on my lap. So these women were attacking her while she was on top of me. Now this story is somewhat tragic but I still need to mention that these two women had matching mullets and to top it all off I swear they were calling each other Bert and Ernie!! Code names I’m guessing? Now If I were in a lesbian biker gang I think I would go with Boris and Natasha, but that’s just me.

This is a close likeness of the assailants except they had more facial hair.

Don't worry, It all ended happily. Idiot girl and her boyfriend reunited that next week. Apparently his good qualities out weighed his bad? Relationships are all about compromise and forgiveness. Who hasn't had to say "I'm sorry I hired those henchmen huni" I think we've all been there.

Saturday, August 9, 2008


Last week my boyfriend and I took my little monkey to the fair to see the BMX show and on the way out we stopped at the rides and games. Little monkey insisted on playing that game where you try and throw a ping-pong ball into a tiny fish bowl opening. If you win you receive one free goldfish! Woohoo! I thought he would end up disappointed because these games are nearly impossible but we actually won! My boyfriend (let's call him The Acorn King) tossed one from behind and won the fish with his amazing beer-pong skills . Devin thought he threw the winning ball which of course we went along with. He was so happy!

Here is a picture of happy monkey with cup-o-fish

He named his new pet Dobber. The most awesome fish name I’ve ever heard! Now of course Mr. Dobber came in a tiny plastic cup and I'd have to supply him with a bowl and some food. The next day while my son was away at his grandpa’s I went to the pet store to get the necessities. I wanted to keep it cheap but couldn't buy a small fish bowl because little monkey is only 3 and had already mentioned his desire to take his new friend for a walk.

I return home excited to put the new tank together only to find Dobber lying upside down at the bottom of his cup! What now? Little monkey was on his way home! Oh no! The Acorn King and I decide to rush to Walmart for a new fish. After finding a fish that looked close enough to Dobber I just happened to glance up to see the same tank set that I had just bought for 40$ for 26$!!! I could just kick myself, but instead I go crazy and fish slap the Walmart clerk with Dobber #2 and run away... Ok, that didn’t happen but I’m sure in Walmart it’s not rare to see a fish slap.

We make it home just in time to have everything set up for little monkey's return. He didn’t notice that it was a new fish and loved the tank. I sighed with relief! My first dead pet switch… Successful! I'm thinking this might get harder as the pets get larger though. So, what have I learned from this adventure?

1. Never trust a carnival fish to live longer than a day

2. A “free” fish costs around $85.

3. Apparently It’s fashionable to wear your pajamas to Walmart.

4. Fish are creepy! Think about it… they don’t speak, they breath water instead of air like awesome creatures, they’re not ticklish and they swim back and forth for hours staring at you with that look in their eyes like if they only had bigger brains and opposable thumbs they'd really fuck shit up.

5. Voting for me on Humor-Blogs is a nice thing to do.

Side note: It is said but not proven that voting for me will cure hangnails. You know those small loose strips of torn skin near the fingernail or toenail... Don't you hate those! Ouch! So why not vote for me by clicking that smiley below and maybe somehow mysteriously helping your skin.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Mommy, Kylee's hogging the stripper pole again!

Does your young daughter love to dance? Is she a pretty girl but lacking in skills? Is it possible that due to her lack of wit, flawed ambition and horrible role models that she just might not make it out there in the big bad world?

Are you afraid she wont move out by age 16? Well put down your vodka bottle and order her the Peekaboo Pole Dancing Kit! This kit includes an 8.5-foot chrome pole, a "sexy dance garter," and play money for stuffing into said garter. You can buy it in the Toys & Games section of the Tesco website.

The only problem you'll have with this toy is figuring out who gets to use it first.
"Mommy, Kylee's hogging the stripper pole again!"

You might be thinking "My Suzie is too portly to be a dancer" but it's ok if little Suzie still has her baby fat because this toy also provides great exercise! We do however suggest taking up smoking as it is proven to aid in weight loss! So don't think that being a pole dancer is too big of a dream for your angel... Here at Tesco it is our goal to lighten your children's bleak futures with stage lights!

"Unleash the sex kitten inside ...
soon you'll be flaunting it to the world and earning a fortune in Peekaboo Dance Dollars."

Just so you know, this is a real toy and the above quote is an actual clip from it's ad! After many complaints from parents they decided to remove the Pole from their toy section but still sell them as a "fitness accessory."

A spokesman for the company said that the pole dancing kit was not sexually oriented and was clearly aimed at adults. Haha, Indeed! A stripper pole is in no way sexual and the name Peekaboo Pole with cartoon illustrations is in no way aimed at kids! Someone kick this man in the nuts and tell him it wasn't meant to be painful and you were clearly aiming for his knee.

Monday, August 4, 2008

"splatt z-zwap boff zowie!"

My 3 year old son Devin will be turning 4 in September so I have been looking online for cool gifts to get him. He has been in a super hero phase for some time now and in my search for some amazing hero toys I found this adorable vintage Batman squirt gun.

Just unplug it's behind area, fill with water, squeeze the nicely placed trigger and "splatt z-zwap boff zowie!" The other guy gets a splash! I'm not sure this is a great choice as a gift but I'm positive it would be a hit on share day at school.